How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in the Short & Long Term

Core Arguments

Men and women have evolved different primary mating preferences due to asymmetrical reproductive biology. Women, who bear higher biological costs in reproduction (e.g., pregnancy), tend to prioritize partners who show signs of resource acquisition and stability (e.g., ambition, status, earning capacity). Men, by contrast, tend to prioritize cues related to fertility and health, such as physical attractiveness and relative youth.
Mating strategies and preferences differ significantly depending on the relationship context (long-term vs. short-term). For long-term, committed relationships, both sexes value traits like intelligence, kindness, and dependability. In short-term mating, however, physical appearance becomes more important for women, while men are often willing to lower their standards for a low-commitment encounter.
Deception in dating is a predictable tactic tailored to exploit the known preferences of the opposite sex. People tend to lie or exaggerate qualities that the other sex finds desirable. For example, men may feign emotional commitment or exaggerate their status, while both sexes often misrepresent their physical appearance to seem more attractive.
Jealousy is an evolved psychological adaptation that functions to guard a mate and protect a relationship. It is triggered by perceived threats such as potential infidelity, the presence of rivals (“mate poachers”), or a growing “mate value” discrepancy where one partner becomes significantly more desirable than the other, signaling a risk of abandonment.

Quotes

“Women more than men prioritized good earning capacity… and the qualities associated with resource acquisition… What do men value more than women? Physical attractiveness… physical appearance provides a wealth of information about a person’s health status but also provides for men a wealth of information about a woman’s fertility.”

“People do lie, but they lie in predictable ways. They lie in ways that attempt to embody the mate preferences of the person they’re trying to attract.”

“Jealousy can get activated even if there are no immediate threats to a relationship but that the mate value discrepancy is a threat that looms on the horizon… we know statistically the higher mate value person is more likely to have an affair and is more likely to dump the other person and trade up in the mating market.”

“If you combine dark triad traits with the dispositional pursuit of a short-term mating strategy, that’s an especially deadly combination. That’s when you get sexual harassment, sexual coercion. It’s a subset of men who commit the vast majority of these acts of sexual violence.”

Terminology

Core Scientific Fields

Neurobiology: The scientific study of the nervous system and its cells (neurons). It explores how the brain and nervous system function to produce behavior, cognition, and emotion. In the text, Andrew Huberman identifies himself as a professor in this field.
Ophthalmology: A branch of medicine specializing in the anatomy, function, and diseases of the eye.
Evolutionary Psychology: A scientific discipline that approaches human behavior from an evolutionary perspective. It proposes that the human brain, like any other organ, comprises evolved mechanisms that were shaped by natural and sexual selection to solve recurrent problems in our ancestral environments.
Neuroscience: The broad scientific field dedicated to understanding the nervous system. The text suggests that neuroscience can explain the underlying brain “machinery” for the behaviors and preferences that evolutionary psychology identifies.

Key Evolutionary Concepts

Sexual Selection: A theory developed by Charles Darwin that explains how certain traits evolve due to their advantage in mating. It’s not about survival (“survival selection”) but about reproductive success. It operates through two main processes:
- Intrasexual Competition: Competition among members of the same sex (e.g., two males) for access to mates. The winners pass on the traits that led to their success.
- Preferential Mate Choice (or Intersexual Selection): The process where members of one sex choose their mates based on specific preferred qualities. Traits that are consensually desired by one sex become more common in the other sex over time.
Heritable Basis: The concept that a trait has a genetic component and can be passed down from parents to offspring. For a trait to evolve through selection, it must be heritable.
Adaptive Functions: The specific benefits a trait or behavior provided for survival or reproduction in an ancestral environment. For example, jealousy is described as having the adaptive function of “mateguarding” to protect a relationship.
Adaptations: Traits that have evolved through selection because they solved a specific problem related to survival or reproduction.
Ultimate Explanation: In evolutionary biology, this refers to the explanation for why a trait evolved—the selective pressures that shaped it over evolutionary time. This is contrasted with a proximate explanation, which describes the immediate mechanism (e.g., how hormones or neurons cause a behavior).

Concepts in Mating and Reproduction

Reproductive Biology: The biological study of the reproductive systems and processes. The text highlights the “asymmetry in our reproductive biology,” noting that fertilization is internal for women, who also bear the metabolic costs of pregnancy.
Fertilization: The biological process of an egg cell and sperm cell fusing to form a zygote, initiating the development of a new organism.
Metabolically Expensive: A term used to describe a biological process that requires a large amount of energy and resources from the body. Pregnancy is cited as being metabolically expensive for women.
Reproductive Value: An evolutionary concept referring to an individual’s future reproductive potential—the expected number of offspring they will produce from their current age onward. This is often inferred from cues of youth and health.
Mate Value: An individual’s overall desirability as a partner on the mating market. This value is determined by a combination of consensually desired traits such as physical attractiveness, status, resources, kindness, and emotional stability.
Mate-Choice Copying: A behavioral heuristic where an individual’s attraction to a potential mate increases if that person is already desired by others. The text gives the example of a man being rated as more attractive when pictured with other women.
Waist to Hip Ratio (WHR): The ratio of the circumference of the waist to that of the hips. A low WHR in women is mentioned as a physical cue that men find attractive, as it is correlated with youth, health, and fertility.

Psychological and Behavioral Terms

Olfactory Cues / Auditory Cues: Sensory information used in mate selection. Olfactory cues relate to the sense of smell, while auditory cues relate to the sense of hearing (e.g., the sound and quality of a person’s voice).
Emotional Stability: A personality trait referring to a person’s ability to remain calm and composed, especially under stress. It is mentioned as a universally desired trait in a long-term mate.
The Dark Triad: A cluster of three negative personality traits that are often studied in psychology, particularly in the context of manipulative and exploitative behavior:
- Narcissism: Characterized by excessive self-admiration, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy.
- Machiavellianism: Characterized by a cynical, manipulative, and strategic approach to social interactions.
- Psychopathy: Characterized by a lack of empathy, impulsivity, antisocial behavior, and remorselessness.
Attachment Style: A psychological concept describing the nature of a person’s emotional bonds in relationships, thought to be shaped by early experiences with caregivers. The text mentions three types:
- Secure Attachment: Individuals are comfortable with intimacy and feel secure in their relationships.
- Avoidant Attachment: Individuals tend to avoid emotional closeness and value independence.
- Anxious Attachment: Individuals often crave intimacy but are insecure about their relationships and may be “clingy” or overly dependent.

Actionable Items

Based on the conversation with Dr. David Buss, here are some tangible action items for navigating mate selection and relationships:

For Vetting Potential Partners:

Meet In-Person Quickly: Stop prolonged texting and online messaging. Arrange a brief, in-person meeting (like a coffee date) early on to assess real-life chemistry and cues like scent and vocal quality, which are impossible to judge online.
Test for Emotional Stability: To evaluate a potential long-term partner’s emotional stability—a critical trait—engage in an activity that involves mild, shared stress, such as traveling together or navigating an unfamiliar environment. Observe how they respond to unexpected challenges.
Recognize “Dark Triad” Red Flags: Be cautious of individuals who exhibit a combination of charm, deception, and a lack of empathy (hallmarks of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy). These traits are strongly linked to manipulative and coercive behaviors.
Observe the “Attention Structure”: A reliable indicator of a person’s social status and mate value is the “attention structure” around them. Pay attention to how many people are drawn to them and seek their attention.

For Self-Improvement and Strategy:

Cultivate Universally Desired Traits: Focus on developing qualities that are consistently valued in long-term partners across all cultures: intelligence, kindness, good health, dependability, and emotional stability.
Honestly Assess Your Own Mate Value: Use your self-esteem as an internal gauge for your relative mate value, as it often reflects social feedback (e.g., promotions, rejections). Being realistic about your own standing helps in finding a stable and compatible partner.
Understand Different Mating Strategies: Recognize that the qualities attractive in a short-term partner (e.g., risk-taking, high social proof) often differ from those desired in a long-term partner (e.g., dependability, “good dad/mom” qualities). Be clear about your own goals and what you are selecting for.

About the interviewee

The interviewee in the Huberman Lab Essentials episode is Dr. David Buss, a prominent American evolutionary psychologist. He is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and is considered one of the founders of the field of evolutionary psychology.

Dr. Buss earned his Ph.D. in psychology from the University of California, Berkeley, in 1981. He previously held academic positions at Harvard University and the University of Michigan before joining the faculty at the University of Texas.

His research focuses on human mating strategies, including mate selection, infidelity, and the emotions of jealousy, lust, and love. He is also known for his work on the darker aspects of human nature, such as conflict between the sexes, stalking, and intimate partner violence. Dr. Buss has authored over 200 scientific articles and has received numerous awards for his contributions to psychology.

Selected Books by Dr. David Buss:

When Men Behave Badly: The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault: This book explores the evolutionary roots of conflict between the sexes, covering topics such as sexual deception, harassment, and assault.
The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating: This work provides a broad overview of human mating strategies, including what people look for in a mate and the tactics of attraction and mate retention.
Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind: A widely used textbook that covers various topics in evolutionary psychology, including survival, mating, family, and warfare.
The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex: This book introduces a new theory of homicide from an evolutionary perspective.
The Murderer Next Door: Why the Mind Is Designed to Kill: This book explores the evolutionary logic behind why people kill.
Why Women Have Sex: Understanding Sexual Motivations from Adventure to Revenge (co-authored with Cindy Meston): This book delves into the various reasons and motivations behind female sexuality.